It all started on this chilly, Tuesday afternoon, while enjoying a Masonless trip to Shoprite (because we all remember what happened the last time Mason accompanied me to Shoprite). What is that? Some don't know or need a refresher? Rewind to about 3 1/2 years ago to the now infamous "de-pantsing of 2009" in the deli dept., which might I add kept me out of the store for 3 years. I made the tough decision to return to this location, obviously without the pants puller downer, for pure financial reasons. Lets be honest, as crowded and full of little blue haired ladies as it is, Shoprite's prices are unbeatable. So after years have passed since the above mentioned incident, I have been shopping there for about 1 month. It didn't take long for another incident, which will be my 2nd and last incident at Shoprite because I am officially on strike for all of eternity!
So...my cart is full of groceries, I have managed to make it through the whole store without yelling out any obscenities to my fellow moron shoppers that insist on blocking the aisles. I make it to the checkout lane with much delight because there is an open lane, which never happens. I should have known my good fortune was coming to an end. I am bagging my items, my cashier's phone rings, she is talking on the phone and looking at me, I am not thinking much of it. Then a woman comes up to me and says (very rudely and confrontational, by the way) "Do you plan on paying for that card that is shoved under your purse"? I am in total shock...what the F*%k is she talking about? I look down and sure enough, my brother's birthday card is sticking out from under my purse (not hidden at all). So I say "Yes, of course" and put it on the belt. The woman hurries off with a really annoying smirk on her face and I look at my cashier and make a joke saying "Oops I tried to swipe a card apparently". My cashier then says that the phone call was from that same woman saying she was watching me and knew I was going to shoplift the card. She told my cashier to watch me while she handled it. I was shocked, genuinely shocked, mouth gaping open. I said "Are you serious? I was on some kind of security watch over what was obviously an accident? #1 I would have noticed the card when I picked up my purse to pay you. #2 If I was going to steal something, it would be much better than a $3.00 birthday card after spending over $100.00 this trip. #3 I would have done a much better job hiding it under my purse, as it was sticking out for everyone to see". She smiled and said, I never thought you were stealing that card and am so embarrassed that my coworker just did that to you." I thanked her for believing me and left with my head held high while disguising utter humiliation.
I can't show my face in there again, now I am probably hanging on some wall of shame in the office with a picture of me in my underoos, pants around the ankle, right next to it a mug shot with "card thief" under it. Jeez I can't get a break.
Seriously, do I seem like a card stealing hooligan? If I am going to commit a crime, believe me, it will be something much more impressive. I am thinking more along the lines of breaking a beer bottle over the next douchebag's head that snaps their fingers at me to get my attention at work...just saying.
So that sums up my humiliation, AGAIN, at that hell store. I know I usually make my blogs about my Mommy mishaps, so I feel obligated to throw one Masonism in here. Clearly Mason is destined for humiliation by his good old folks, with me being such a law breaking thief and all and his father being the eternal tactless prankster....ie. Mason's new thing is to hold onto his boy parts, total Al Bundy style. I keep telling him it is not nice to do that. The other day when I told him to take his hand of his wiener he very matter of factly replied "I don't want it dragging on the floor". THANKS DADDY for teaching him to say that hilarious response (sense my sarcasm)! I am so looking forward to the call from school when he innocently says it there.
Just another day in the life of Supermom.... CHECK PLEASE!!!
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