Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Add Shoplifting Criminal to my title...

My name is Cara, Supermom, Mixologist Extraordinaire, Criminal....whattttt???
It all started on this chilly, Tuesday afternoon, while enjoying a Masonless trip to Shoprite (because we all remember what happened the last time Mason accompanied me to Shoprite). What is that? Some don't know or need a refresher? Rewind to about 3 1/2 years ago to the now infamous "de-pantsing of 2009" in the deli dept., which might I add kept me out of the store for 3 years. I made the tough decision to return to this location, obviously without the pants puller downer, for pure financial reasons. Lets be honest, as crowded and full of little blue haired ladies as it is, Shoprite's prices are unbeatable. So after years have passed since the above mentioned incident, I have been shopping there for about 1 month. It didn't take long for another incident, which will be my 2nd and last incident at Shoprite because I am officially on strike for all of eternity!
So...my cart is full of groceries, I have managed to make it through the whole store without yelling out any obscenities to my fellow moron shoppers that insist on blocking the aisles.  I make it to the checkout lane with much delight because there is an open lane, which never happens. I should have known my good fortune was coming to an end. I am bagging my items, my cashier's phone rings, she is talking on the phone and looking at me, I am not thinking much of it. Then a woman comes up to me and says (very rudely and confrontational, by the way) "Do you plan on paying for that card that is shoved under your purse"? I am in total shock...what the F*%k is she talking about? I look down and sure enough, my brother's birthday card is sticking out from under my purse (not hidden at all). So I say "Yes, of course" and put it on the belt. The woman hurries off with a really annoying smirk on her face and I look at my cashier and make a joke saying "Oops I tried to swipe a card apparently". My cashier then says that the phone call was from that same woman saying she was watching me and knew I was going to shoplift the card.  She told my cashier to watch me while she handled it. I was shocked, genuinely shocked, mouth gaping open. I said "Are you serious? I was on some kind of security watch over what was obviously an accident? #1 I would have noticed the card when I picked up my purse to pay you. #2 If I was going to steal something, it would be much better than a $3.00 birthday card after spending over $100.00 this trip. #3 I would have done a much better job hiding it under my purse, as it was sticking out for everyone to see". She smiled and said, I never thought you were stealing that card and am so embarrassed that my coworker just did that to you." I thanked her for believing me and left with my head held high while disguising utter humiliation. 
I can't show my face in there again, now I am probably hanging on some wall of shame in the office with a picture of me in my underoos, pants around the ankle, right next to it a mug shot with "card thief" under it. Jeez I can't get a break.
Seriously, do I seem like a card stealing hooligan? If I am going to commit a crime, believe me, it will be something much more impressive. I am thinking more along the lines of breaking a beer bottle over the next douchebag's head that snaps their fingers at me to get my attention at work...just saying.
So that sums up my humiliation, AGAIN, at that hell store. I know I usually make my blogs about my Mommy mishaps, so I feel obligated to throw one Masonism in here. Clearly Mason is destined for humiliation by his good old folks, with me being such a law breaking thief and all and his father being the eternal tactless prankster....ie. Mason's new thing is to hold onto his boy parts, total Al Bundy style. I keep telling him it is not nice to do that. The other day when I told him to take his hand of his wiener he very matter of factly replied "I don't want it dragging on the floor". THANKS DADDY for teaching him to say that hilarious response (sense my sarcasm)! I am so looking forward to the call from school when he innocently says it there. 
Just another day in the life of Supermom.... CHECK PLEASE!!!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Sure is hard work being a super mom when you are raising a super brat (oops, boy)

Sweetie pie Mason Bratface Mason

There are all of these fun little sayings like terrible twos, and trying threes, but what in the world is the phrase for the four year old stage... Fearless fours? Fowl potty mouth fours? I am the boss and think I run the show at four? I am four and know everything? Whine about everything constantly fours???? Probably all of the above.
This is certainly new territory. Baby stage is gone, completely (sniff sniff). The mind of a four year old, well my particular four year old, truly amazes me every day (obviously Mason is the smartest kid alive, just saying). There is a huge amount of independence. There are so many amusing and adorable things that come out of the mouth of the Mase that I could never capture all of them. But then, Dr. Jekyll takes over this four year old brainy, witty, adorable angel and I am horrified by the behavior and actions, and especially fresh mouth. And why does it take five times of telling someone to do something to actually do it? Just to add more grays to my head? Somehow, Mommy and Daddy are the only privileged people that get the intolerable side of Mason. Perfect report from the teachers at school, and of course the grandparents. But for Mommy and Daddy? Just call us the local pigeon statues. I laugh like a lunatic (in my mind) when someone suggests a time out, sorry, doesn't work here. My little delight sits there with his hands crossed and asks for more time in time out, with the ever so devilish smirk. So I do what any other mom with a feisty child would do....enter psycho mom...grab a toy, talk in a seriously scary I have lost my f*ing mind voice, and dangle the toy around like a mad person, and explain that "NOW YOU HAVE NO TOY" as I toss it in the trash. Hey no judgement, it is working.
And is my child the only kid who cannot physically sit still more more than 5 seconds, ever? I am telling you this kid does not get tired. He wakes up at 7 with more energy than anyone I have ever encountered, and goes ALL DAY LONG. No pauses. By 10am I feel like someone has vacuumed the life out of me. There are simply no words for the exhaustion caused by another's abundance of energy. This is why the good lord (or some other mom of a wild boy) invented coffee.
There is one other fine feature of a four year old boy. They LOVE disgusting bodily functions. Much to my horror, nothing in the world is funnier to Mason than letting one rip, and then announcing it to the whole world. And I guess the ultimate joke is on me, as I find nothing more embarrassing or inappropriate to talk about or publicize. I am a girly girl, darn it. For example, while shopping at Target one afternoon, my foot scuffed the floor. Honest to god it did. Well, the Mase heard it and yelled at the top of his lungs "Mom just farted, mom just farted" like a hundred times. I leaned in and whispered "stop saying that right now, I did not, my shoe made that sound". Of course he thought this was impossible, and started yelling "that wasn't your shoe mom, it was a fart. DOORKNOB, DOORKNOB". (Thanks Daddy for teaching our boy the disgusting "doorknob" ritual). So I just smiled and kept walking, turning a nice shade of crimson. I finished shopping and made an emergency visit to the Wine Country, it was definitely going to be a wine kind of night.
Hey, I guess I should be used to being humiliated. Nothing will ever top the great "de-pantsing" of 2009. Still don't go to Shop Rite, for the record.
Well, its definitely not all bad. The lovey sweet side of Mason outweighs the bad (usually). He has such a kind hearty, especially for animals (obviously since we have acquired a cat, fish, and frog, not to mention the ones that have gone to animal heaven already). And he gives endless amounts of hugs and kisses, and says to me "Mommy you look beautiful today" regularly, and that is certainly priceless (especially when I see myself in the mirror and think "that boy is blind" with my sleepy eye circles) but hey, I will take it. If Mason sees a flower, he can not resist picking it for me, and it warms my heart every time. He will tell you that he has THREE, yes, THREE girlfriends already...sigh...luckily they are all sweet little girls.
In closing, the good times are really good. But the bad times are quite trying. Still, being the mother of Mason is the best thing in the world, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Its ok that I haven't relaxed in 4 years, I am in a constant daily mom haze consisting of cooking, cleaning, playing, teaching, chauffeuring, class parties, soccer, dirt, obsessing, worrying, over analyzing....and loving every minute of it!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Where is my baby, and who the heck is this kid?

I always rolled my eyes when I heard the line "Enjoy them, they grow up so fast" from EVERY parent out there. But now I am one of them, I caught myself saying it to someone with a newborn. Damn, I try not to be so cliche, but it is true. There is absolutely nothing "baby" left of Mason. I can finally say that he is completely potty trained. This was by far our most difficult transition so far, since Mason is such a stubborn lil bugger. He has also decided that he is not taking naps anymore. This is especially fun for me. Now I get NO breaks throughout the day. Unless you count the 2 hours he is at school 2x per week, where I run errands and get my shopping done. And for those who say "Oh, give him some quiet time in his room". HAHAHA that is a good one, obviously you don't know Mason very well. YES PEOPLE, I have tried it. Mason doesn't know how to be calm or "quiet" for more than 5 minutes at a time. He talks nonstop from the minute he wakes up until the minute he goes to sleep for the night. No joke, he should be named yappy mcyappers. And he is so smart, which is wonderful. I love bragging about my little braniac....but sometimes, I simply can not hear "why, Mom?" for the 300th time a day without thinking "WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SOOOO MUCH"? Kidding of course(maybe), but I never say that I simply answer his questions the best I can and when I can't or have had enough, "ask your dad" always works.

Mason has such a flare for drama as well. He is full of personality. Examples:

1e): Mason spent 1 full day at school. His preschool is also a daycare facility. I had a commitment that required Mason to be there for 6 hours. We planned it out in advance, talked it up, etc. He would eat lunch there, take a nap (he was occasionally napping then) and play for a WHOLE day. Well, when I picked him up from his big day at school I ran up to him in the classroom, threw my arms around him and said "Mason, I missed you so much! How was your day at school? I want to hear all about it". His answer, as he shakes his head back and forth for dramatic effect, "I had a rough day, Mom. I am ready to go home". Well, that was the 1st and hopefully last whole day of preschool. ;)

2e). We were enjoying Mason's new pool just yesterday, when he jumps out of it, yanks down his bathing suit and proceeds to "drain the lizard" on the grass next to his portable potty. I say in utter shock and horror "MASON why did you do that? Your potty is right there!" He says "Mom, I NEEDED to go on the grass to see what it is like for Baxter cause he has to go out here". I answer that sternly (and am secretly very amused with his response) "Well, now you know how Baxter feels, and since he is a dog and you are a little boy, you will not be doing that again. Baxter doesn't use your potty, so don't use his". He said "Ok mom, I won't". Back in the pool.

3e). I really try to watch my language in front of The Mase. I don't even have a potty mouth. And I know that he is always listening, even when we don't think so. But I suppose I may have slipped up, or another member of this household (ahem, Scott). So I am trying to rush through a shower, and Mason of course can not bare the thought of having me in the bathroom for 5 whole minutes without him, so he starts banging on the door and saying "Mom, I need you. Let me in. Come out now. Open up. Mom, I said I need you. Can you hear me" Me: "Yes, Mason I will be right out". Mason: "Mom, I said I need you. OPEN THE FU*KING DOOR RIGHT NOW".

I just stood in the shower, suds in my eyes as I am wide eyed and mouth open and completely horrified. I do not respond, turn off the water, come out (still a little sudsy) and NEVER acknowledge the fowl word. Hoping it will be forgotten and never said again. And the sad part is he knew exactly how to use the word to make his point.

In a nutshell, I am enjoying every moment of my dramatic, strong personalitied, sometimes temper tantrumed lunatic, talkative, braniac, ADORABLE, and yes lovable, little blue eyed devil. And I thought the baby stage was tough.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Out of the mouth of Mason

You just never know what "The Mase" will say next... here are some classics:

  • "Mom, leave me alone. Fly away on an airplane" ouch, that one hurt

  • Mason to Dr.: "You are not Dr. Dicarlo." Dr.: " No, I am Dr. Pilla". Mason: " Hello, I am Mason Robert Malecki, but my dad calls me Junior".

  • Mason to Dr. when up on the check up table : " I know how to do all this, I am a Dr. at home".

  • Mason to nurse when getting XRAYS: "I am ready to say cheese for my picture, but there is no printer...HOW can you take my picture with no printer"?

  • Mason after eating a messy dinner, using his hands as cars to drive around the table while I clean up... Me: "Mason, lets wash your hands." Mason: "These are racecars mom". Me: "oh, ok." Mason: "Please put my cars through the carwash". *my personal favorite*

  • Baxter, coming over and sniffing Mason's face. Mason to Baxter: "Bax, stop stinking up my face". "Mom, Bax smells like poop".

  • EVERY time Mason enters his classroom at school, he stands in the middle of the classroom and yells out "I came back, kids!"

  • Whenever someone comes over house, he greets them at the door and asks " do you have a present for me"?

  • Mase: "Mom, Baxter pushed me off the couch". Me: "Thats impossible, Baxter is on the end of the couch sleeping. Not to mention he has no hands to perform a push". Mase: "Oh yeah, then I fell off the couch, mom."
  • "Hey Mom, you look like a dung beetle".

  • "Mom, I fell out of my bed this morning and said OH NUTS"

  • After taking a rare nap, I say to Mason "Did you have any nice dreams?" He says "Yes, mommy, I was dreaming about you". thats my boy

  • One morning after picking up Mason from school our convrsation. "Mason, what did you do at school today"? Mase:" I got a time out". Me "Oh no, why did you get a time out"? Mase: "Because I yelled at a girl and took her toy". Me: "That is not what i was hoping to hear Mason. Well, did you learn anything at school today"? Mase" Yup, I learned how to be nice".

  • Mason asking me what all of his grandparents names are....in response to his Mia's name: "Patti is not her name". Me: "Yes it is, Mason". Mase: "I don't want Patti to be Mia's name, lets giver her a new one". Still waiting on the rename ;)

*More to follow as he is constantly entertaining me *

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

It's 11 A.M. Is today over yet?

Its been awhile since I've blogged. That must mean there has been another poop story. Yup, you got it. WARNING: This is not for the weak...must have iron stomach to read. Okay, now you are officially warned so I am not responsible for any nausea this may cause. Lets start from the beginning...
Monday Night 8:45 p.m. I arrive home from work RIDICULOUSLY early. Which is good because I am exhausted, bad because if I am home early, not making money. The Tiki Bar was the slowest I've ever seen. I got a few mosquitos drunk, thats about it. So I am home and thinking to myself "yes, I am finally going to get a good night's sleep on a night that I worked, whoohooo this is great" So I really live it up and enjoy 2 beers while watching Empire Boardwalk with Scott. I am feeling really wild, so I stay up until 11:00 the rebel that I am. I mosey on up to bed.
2:30 a.m. My door flies open and Mason runs into the room like a ball of fire and jumps in bed with us. I tell him that he is not sleeping with us and try to bring him back to bed. FAIL. Now he is screaming and crying and clung to me for dear life INSISTING that he NEEDS to sleep with me. What is a sleepy mom to do? The kid is breaking my heart. Bring him in bed of course.
4:15 a.m. Mason is still awake, can't sleep because he is so excited to be in bed with mommy and daddy (this is a very rare event). So he spazzes out every few minutes....FOR ALMOST 2 HOURS. Meanwhile, Scott is sleeping through it all, snoring like a champ. I don't even think he knows The Mase is in bed with us let alone jumping all around like a maniac. So I give Scott a good elbow to the back and evict him to the downstairs couch. To heck if he is going to sleep soundly while I deal with Mr. spazzola. Humph. Finally, pushing 4:30 Mason passes out. At 6:58 the recycling truck comes and wakes me up. Mason is still hibernating. Wakes up at 8:05.
8:15 a.m. I am sitting on the couch sipping a MUCH needed cup of coffee, wrapped in a blanket with Mason on my lap because it is super chilly...of course Baxter the dog has to be in on the snuggle party, so he is in there too. I am like "what the hell is that smell? It is disgusting. I sniff Mason, clean. Sniff Baxter...BINGO. I smell fresh poo. WTF?? I kick everyone off my lap. Then I see a glob of poop on my bare leg where Baxter was sitting. I am like "OH MY GOD, THERE IS POOP ON ME"! So Baxter is scared to death by my freak out and runs up to my room and jumps on my bed. I tackle him, to find that his entire backside is covered. GOD DAMN IT. I knew he needed a freaking haircut....UGGH Why did I put off the haircut?????? His fur is too long and the poop got stuck in it! Then I think "OH F@#K" he is in my bed. Look at the bed, YUP...Poop on my blanket. So I carry the disgusting mutt to the bathroom and put him in the tub to wash out the filth. I also scrub my leg. Mason is watching the whole scene and thinks this is the funniest thing that has ever happened, and is yelling and jumping up and down saying "Baxter is covered in poop. Baxter poop is on mommy" repeatedly. Glad to entertain you, Mason. Now the dog is clean, I have to wash the blanket from the couch, and my bedding. ALL of it, I am NOT taking any chances.
8:45. Feed Mason breakfast and go get my gym clothes on. To HELL if I am letting this chain of catastropic events keep me from the gym. It is the 1st time in 3 weeks that I am doing anything more than yoga due to my dud back, and I NEED A REAL WORKOUT...AARGGHHHH!!!! So I am dressed, bag packed, go downstairs to dress the boy and halfway down the stairs, I step in something wet (OF COURSE I am not wearing socks yet). I look down, and see that I am standing in dog puke. With a bare foot.
I CAN NOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP...THIS IS MY LIFE!!!! As I am scrubbing the puke out of the carpet I hear a very loud smash and a little voice say "what happened to Mr. Pumpkin"? I run into the kitchen to find that Mason has reached my "out of Mason's reach" ceramic pumpkin and thrown it on the floor. So I drop the puke rags and quick mini vac the sharp pieces up before someone gets cut. I REFUSE to clean up any other disgusting things today, not adding blood to the list.
9:30... Rush out the door with Mason and his new Halloween Bat so he can show the kids at the gym. The bat has been with us since Sunday, a gift from his Nanny. The bat has not left Mason's grasp since. It is his new best friend.
Have a great workout, run into the gym's daycare to fetch the boy, he tells me his bat fell under the train. The train is the jungle gym. There is a locked gait to get "under the train". The manager has the only key. The manager is out today. We can get the bat tomorrow. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Someone get the kid his bat, because I KNOW that this will cause Mason to go BERZERKO until he gets it back. For those who know Mason, you know that he may be the most stubborn, 2 year old in the whole world and he can throw an Oscar winning dramatic tantrum.
So, I try to ignore him screaming "I want my bat, go get my bat, I need my bat, etc etc" I am driving home batless, and Mason is crying so hard that he is choking. I call my mom at work, ask her wear the bat was purchased, then drive to Walgreens with the sobbing maniac. I find an identical bat and do some quick acting. (the people at Walgreens must think I am a loon).. "Hey, Mason, do you see that???? Mr Bat just called me on my cell phone in the car and told me he missed you so much that he flew out ot the cage under the train and flew here so we could pick him up on the way home because he knows we live by this store". Mason stops sobbing, smiles and says " he flew out to find me?" SUCCESS...See people??? All my dramatics pay off, apparently I am a phenomenal actress because Mason bought the entire story!!!!
Go home with Batty, Mason has lunch, and passes out in record time for his nap.
And here I am, still doing the poop laundry.
BUT....supermom somehow managed to save day!
I can only imagine what the rest of the day has in store for us. There is NEVER a dull moment in the life of supermom!

Friday, June 4, 2010

6-4-2010...A poop story

A typical day in the life of Cara. I worked last night, later than usual. Got up earlier than usual. Damn. Have to work tonight too. But wait, maybe I could actually take a nap today??? There is light at the end of this tunnel!!! WHOO HOO...Countdown to nap begins: 8:30..Mason refuses his breakfast informing me he only wants cookies (umm, yeah right, sooo not happening lil man)
9:00..reluctantly get some cheerios and fruit in the boy 10:30..go on a nice walk with the Mase and the Bax, ending shortly because Mason can't catch any squirrels and he throws an AWARD WINNING tantrum (thanks a lot you cowardly squirrels)
11:15...I inform Mason lunch is ready..he then stomps into the kitchen and says in his 2 year old demon vioce "i don't want lunch mommy, I want cookies". I tell him he may have a cookie after he eats his lunch. He then bites my thigh leaving a HUGE bruise. I cry a little and he kisses the bitemark and says he is sorry. Instantly forgiven.
11:45..Mason insists on watching Toy Story AGAIN...I swear if I watch that friggin movie one more time I AM GOING POSTAL!!!!!!!!
12:30...Oh thank you god, it is nap time! Upstairs we go(Mason whining all the way)
Go through routine..books, singing, back rub, all the good stuff.
1:00... Mason still yap yapping away (I can hear him through the monitor). As I am laying all snuggly and ready for MY MUCH NEEDED nap, I hear a little voice through the monitor say " Poopie on Mason. Poopie on T Rex. Poopie on blanket"
I think, NO WAY, he is just toying with me.. So I sneak up the stairs and smell the evidence instantly. Enter Mason's room to find out YES INDEED, poopie on all the mentioned things!!
As I stand at Mason's crib, gasping in horror, I don't have any F***ing clue what to do..it is not just poop, it is the MOTHERLOAD of all poops and Mason has taken off his diaper and shorts and it looks like a poop tornado hit his crib!
45 mins later...Mason washed, clothes changed, sheets, blankets, etc changed. Toys removed from crib and cleaned. Put Mason back down for a nap. He happily goes right to sleep. I fold my blanket from the couch as I realize I am getting no nap today. Sigh.
Then I start this blog...because I really can't make this stuff up!!
On that note, have to go get ready for work as I have a 9 hour shift on my feet. And Happy Flippin Friday everyone!
xoxoxoxoxoxo as always

Where to start??? The story of us,,,,,

AHHHHH where to start??? Sorry folks, this is going to be all over the place but I must start somerwher. Guess I will start from the beginning of the Malecki team...
It started in 2000, a longggggg time ago when that dashing man swept me off my feet (ok, enough of the dramatics, we met at the bar that I worked at and I asked that big putz out on our first date).
FForward to 2005- Wedding..ahhh soooooo in love
FForward to 2006- Purchase Malecki Mansion (actually, it more resembles a shoebox, but it's cozy)
2008....February 7..the day the world changed..I BECAME MOMMY to Mason Robert Malecki, the most angelic 5lb 8oz baby imaginable.. life would never be the same as I knew it, and I would never be completely sane again.
I left my full time job to be home with my boy, working part time as a bartender 3 nights per week.
I sure wish I started this blog in the early days, because an awful lot happened and due to my momnesia(aka mommy brain)my memory is not so hot.. there is a little secret that moms neglect to tell unsuspecting mothers to be: YOU BECOME A SPACE CADET INSTANTLY after giving birth, and forget is your new middle name!!!!!!
Anyways, the first two years were a true delight..my perfect child could do no wrong. I was convinced I had the sweetest, most beautiful, lovable, brilliant child in the whole world. And then he turned two. (Que evil dracula music)
No and mine became Mason's favorite words, along with mega tantrums, nap refusal, BITING, torturing my poor dog Baxter, and EVERY OTHER FRESH BEHAVIOR imaginable! Who the hell is this demonic child, and where is my sweet baby???
I wake up every morning wondering if I will have my sweet angel Mason, or his evil twin??? Could go either way on any given day.
When he is sweet, he is so sweet though...it makes all the "bad days" forgivable.
Mason started speaking very early on, and he talks NONSTOP...
Now I know those who know both me and Scott must be in ABSOLUTE shock over this information, where in the world could he have inherited this gift of gab????????
My parenting style is: Perfect :) Hahaha, that is what I like to think, but if you ask my dear husband he will tell you that I am the most anal mother in the world (nicknaming me analingous)
I must be in control of EVERYTHING (evil laughter, ahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa)
My poor Scott has been "in charge" of Mason while I work 3 nights a week for over 2 years now, and to this day he will come home to a complete list of instructions and time table for all of Mason's "requirements".
Wow, guess I am pretty freaking anal.
And Scott is a great dad, but I would never give him 100% credit, that is not my style. Instead I will pick out the one teeny tiny little thing (like leaving a crayon on the floor) and nitpick away... (again que the evil laughter, ahhahahahahaha)
Don't pity Scott, he is not so innocent. Scott is very friendly and outgoing, quite comical, but also VERY opinionated and he has a "big" personality. I am quite sure that he has made a lasting impression on everyone that he has ever met
Ok, I have to wrap it up somewhere. So ther you have it. Team Malecki in a nutshell.
Warning...future posts may be very graphic... As a mom I have NO SHAME!!!!!!!!!
xoxoxoxoxo Cara (supermom)